Today I find myself . . .

January 18, 2014

Today is a Sunday, it was Stake conference for church so we found ourselves with a little more of a relaxed schedule at our house. ( our callings weren't keeping the day quite so busy)  There was play outside, updating pictures onto the computer, and then the all time favorite of watching home movies from when the girls were little.   Oh how I miss when they were all little!   Now they seem so big.   They hear what we say but don't have as much blind trust in us.   They were in a bubble where everything we said was right  . . . it had to be because were were the mom and dad.   Now they are bigger.  Now they question us.   Now they know a lot - sometimes more in certain areas.   Now they are a lot of fun, but it is different.  Today as we watched those home movies and we laughed and giggled, I found myself loving my kids and wanting to build the relationships we have.



Today I found myself wishing, wanting, another baby at our house.  This seems silly, our house is full. Our house is busy.   I am tired as can be and wonder if I am giving enough to the kids I have. Yet today when I saw videos of one of the girls as a new baby in the hospital, or saw baby Reagan scooting around in a video, I wanted that back.  There is nothing quite like  new baby.  It is scrumptious, special.  A time like no other.  Tender.   A time where the veil is thin and you can feel a closeness to Heavenly Father like no other.  Something that is hard to describe.  Like a type of reverence sets in for a short time when that new baby arrives.   Today I found myself longing for a baby.


Today I am beginning to worry.  The week before Christmas Heston had a very unexpected phone call/meeting where he was caught of guard and told he was being let go.  He was  given  a severance package that will last us for a while, but it still is unsettling.  Alarming.   He is thinking about a career change in a different direction.  I have no doubt in him.  Hes has always done well and we have always been taken care of, but I worry about him.   The pressure he must feel.   The weight he carries is something that I do not envy,  I want him to know he is loved.  I tell him, but wonder if it is enough.   How glad I am to be able to stay at home and have the job of raising these girls, without worrying 100% about the finance aspect of running this family.  How hard is must be to be in his shoes.  I must do better at boosting his confidence and reminding him that her is adored, trusted and loved.  I find myself wondering how I can better do this.

I am the new Primary President in our ward.  I miss Young Womens - it's where I've been for 10+ years.  It's what I know.  I have two of my own girls in there with a third on the way.  The Primary seems foreign to me.  I don't know it.  I'm unsettled.  I'm wanting to learn and grow.  I am wanting to run it the way way the Lord wants me to.  I find myself having a hard time stopping and asking the Lord for direction in this and seeing that it is not the Lee Chipman show - where answers are obvious, and will be displayed in an aesthetically pleasing way.

Today Ashtyn and I made the triple layer Aces Chocolate cake for a fun Sunday dessert.   She likes to bake and loves when it is anything chocolate.  Oh how I miss my mom - that recipe was one of her favorites.  I find myself wondering how many conversations I would like to still have had about raising these girls, about being a mom, about so much. I miss my mom.

These are just a few things . . . that I find myself wondering.   I'm sure there is much more.